co-sleeping -- when to stop and how

[sophie]

I just wanted to agree with Christa on the point of children learning how to get to sleep by themselves. My two older children did this naturally at around 2 years of age also. There is a popular method here in New Zealand called the "sleep program" which basically means you let your child cry themselves to sleep until they learn how to fall asleep by themselves. I know people who have done this and had success, but I have always found it harsh and personally would not do it. It is usually recommended that you wait until your child is at least one year old also. When I weaned my children off night feeds me or their dad used to lie down with them and sing and cuddle them for a while till they fell asleep. But when they were about 2 they were able to understand about going to sleep by themselves and it happened amazingly easily.

[Fiona]

We moved our daughter out of our bed and into her own bedroom when she was 2. This seemed like the right time as by now she wriggled around a lot in her sleep and took up a lot of room (I hardly had any!). A real plus point at making the change at this age was that we could reason with her and 'sell' her the idea of having her own room. The transistion went very smoothly. She's now 3 1/2 and occasionally wakes up wanting to sleep with us at night, in which case she goes to the spare room with her dad as our 2 month old is now in our bed.

By the way, I have read that co-sleeping is likely to create an independent, rather than a dependent child - I would agree with that.


Fiona

[5xblessed]

All my kids were different on this. I did co-sleep with all 5 while they woke at night to eat. I put a porta-crib in our room. After they fell asleep with me I moved them to the porta-crib. That way if they woke I had to go about 2 steps. They all sort of wanted to sleep on their own about 1 1/2 to 2. Sometimes the 2 or 4 year old still wake up from a dream or something. They just haul a blanket into our room and sleep on the floor there. Play it by ear and watch your baby. You'll know when the time is right.
Lisa

[frenchie]

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/t071000.asp

Here is some great info on co-sleeping. You can actually email Dr. Sears directly to ask his advice about when to wean your child from the family bed. I believe him and his wife do it between age 2 and 4.

[lactomom]

We have a family bed that we share with our two girls. Serra is almost three and has not yet mentioned the idea of having her own bed. When we moved into the house we are currently in, about 3 months ago, we suggested the idea of having her own bed. We have a twin and a full size bed. For a few weeks we had the twin bed seperated and it was 'her' bed, Dh always ended up with her so we finally just decided to embrace the family bed. I really do love sleeping as a family. I don't know when it will change. I hope not for a long time. As soon as either girl wants their own bed we will do that for them. We are letting them have their own clock of independence. There is no rule here or abroad that anyone has to sleep alone ever. My advice is to go with the flow.

[Yarrow]

Our family loves cosleeping! My husband and I have been sharing our kingsized bed with our two children since their births. My daughter is now 5 years old and my son is 2 and still nursing. This arrangement works for us for several reasons. I find that I get the best night's sleep since I don't need to get up to nurse. My children get the best night's sleep because mom and dad are right there. I also think that they are learning good bed-sharing habits. My husband and I have plenty of cuddle time in the living room after the kids are in bed. I highly recommend the book "The Family Bed" by Tine Thevenin for information about this subject. We intend to move out daughter to her own bed whenever she and/or we desire it. She is able to go to sleep on her own with no problem. I am very glad we chose cosleeping for our family as it feels so right to us.

[Christa]

Hey Renee, it is nice to see another Coloradoan here, although you are on the opposite side of the state from me - we're in Ft. Collins. My younger daughter, Tessa, still rubs one of my moles near my shoulder blade for comfort when she is sad or tired - kind of like the belly button thing. She used to do that when she was nursing, too. It is a tad irritating, but I'm sure that she'll give it up eventually.

[Teejay]

I can't make statements about anyone else's children, but I can tell you about mine.

My first child (now 12) would not sleep in her crib, no matter what I did. I had read the Tina Thevenin book too and liked the ideas about the family bed, and found that we could sleep well and through the night if she slept in the bed. She stayed there till about 2 years of age, by which time it had become very stressful and she was finding all transitions difficult. Later (much later, at the age of 10) she was diagnosed bipolar -- so, though it may seem to some that the family bed idea contributed to her inability to go to sleep alone etc, in fact I don't know what else I could have done; she was a very very demanding baby. Sometimes I do wonder though if it contributed in some negative way. She still at 12 has major problems going off to sleep.

(Don't misunderstand me: I am not saying there is a link between bipolar disorder and the family bed -- only that we later found out this is what she has, and I wonder what I could have done along the way to help minimise some of her problems.)

My second child (now 4 months) has always slept soundly in first his bassinet and now his crib; sometimes puts himself to sleep and sometimes needs me to nurse him a while and then place him in there. (If I had done this with my daughter, no matter how soundly asleep she was, she would wake up and scream till she was back in my bed.)

They have entirely different personalities and I think I have just tried to go with how they seemed. I would never let either of them "scream it out" or "cry it out". I think that Dr Sears' ideas are great in principle -- some kids may not need that extra closeness, though. My little boy loves to cuddle and play but simply doesn't seem to have sleep issues.

[VOW]

Please release yourself from any guilt you feel about keeping your daughter in bed with you. Bipolar disorder is a brain chemical imbalance, and however your daughter slept as an infant has nothing to do with it. Look upon it as a physical disability (which it is) and you can understand better how your actions would have no effect.

Truth be told, in ANY brain chemical imbalance situation, STRESS can aggravate it. So by taking your daughter to bed with you and avoiding the screaming tantrum, you were providing her with comfort and security.

And that is ALWAYS a good thing!


~VOW

[Chibit]

Alex is two and we still co-sleep part time. He was 1.5 years old when I finally got him into the beautiful crib I had sitting empty I am an AP mommy, so I don't believe in crying it out, so it was tough for me to get him into his bed. The first night I put him in his crib, he cried for a good 30 minutes..but went to sleep. The next night it was for only 10 minutes..then after that he was fine. he now starts out in his bed (this is his first night in a big boy bed ) and then wakes at about 3 in the morning and gets in bed with me. He still nurses, so I think that is why he is still crawling into bed with me. I have a feeling that when he stops nursing, he will stop co-sleeping too.

So, my advice, let it happen naturally. You can read your baby. 7 months is still very young! don't hurry them out of the parent bed!

[tina]

My oldest dd slept with us from soon after birth. We never have worried about her being in our bed. I sure don't like to sleep alone...I definitely wasn't going to expect her to. When she was about 3 1/2, we decided to buy a bunk bed for her "room", but would let her decide when she was ready to move, we figured that her and the new baby (now 8 months old) would eventually move into that room together so neither of them ever HAD to sleep alone. Well, she has decided that she wants to be in her bed now (she is 4) ...some mornings she climbs in with us for a bit before getting up, but she sleeps in her bed all the time otherwise.
We will never force our children to grow up faster than they are ready for. And we would NEVER allow our children to cry it out especially at night, the scariest time for them. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are many who disagree, and I do not judge them...this is our families convictions on the matter.
Our society, I feel, is intent on pushing our children out of the nest and into independence too early and they don't know what to do with it. There are many successful people who were raised being close to their parents at ALL times. There are also many societies who believe in cosleeping and extended breastfeeding and other similar schools of thought and have only positive things to show for it...not all of the negative things people talk about in this country.
Some good books on the topic are The Family Bed by Tine Thevenin; The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff; and Nightime Parenting by Dr. Sears.
Sorry if this post sounds condemning...I just feel VERY strongly about it. It is all "said" with peace...
Tina

[vegma]

Right on Tina!

[lunamama3]

i must say...i am endlessly amazed to listen to everyone's personal stories of childrearing. there is such a diverse spectrum of schools of thought represented here and it seems like what everyone's doing is working for them! i know for myself, i am always trying to let my children find their own comfort levels and timing for transitions and sometimes put such a heavy reliance on them getting what they *need* that i ignore what i'm feeling and let myself get stepped on. in the end, i think it's all about balancing everyone in the family's needs together. i think it's important to show our children that we are uncomfortable sometimes too and may need to compromise something so everyone's happy with a situation. that being said, we have the largest king-size bed around and all three of my wee ones and my hubby sleep happily in it together, for the most part. it's getting to become a little too crowded these days, so we've begun talking to our two older kids (3&5) about the possibility of them moving into their room which has been a playroom/computer room/guest room, etc. since we moved in 5 years ago. it's important to me to make sure that they're feeling positive about this huge transition and that it's done gradually and with love, as someone put it earlier. i have made it clear that we're starting the transition, but am allowing the necessary time for them to cope with it. i wish you all the best of luck and continued success in raising your babies in such a beautiful respectful way.

{{{hugs}}}
lisa

[bachlva]

Ditto Fiona, sagewinna, frenchie & the like.

The Dr. Sears link is a good one.

We co-sleep with DS and will wean him gently when it seems we, as a family, are ready [we are no where near that yet - he is 9 months]. I like the idea of putting a toddler bed mattress on the floor next to our bed as a transition - I know several parents who have done this. We will also keep and 'open door' policy - if he gets scared or needy or whatever, he's welcome to come back with us, with gentle encouragement to sleep on his own as he gets older.

For those with specific sleep problems or needs, I have heard reccommended 'The No-Cry Sleep Solution' by Sears and Pantly.

I would also strongly reccommend against any sleep *training* methods. They are very harsh and teach your baby to 'give up' trying to get your attention at night.

Just my 2cents, of course.

Best wishes!